Dear Earth

This is you:

And this is me:




These guys are my friends. We don't normally look this pathetic except when being compared to you:

You can probably tell by the size of our googly little bug eyes that we are more than a little intimidated by some of your recent antics - like how you seem to be in a mad rush to form yourself back into some state of Gondwanaland.

This involves a lot of pushing and groaning on your part which reminds me of labour pains, and I don't really enjoy being forced to think about giving birth every time you throw a tanty. But it could be worse - I could be actually giving birth. Or I could actually be a victim of one if your hissy fits, which isn't seeming that unlikely these days...

Some of my friends (the ones who look like ants compared to you, but maybe even smaller) have started sleeping with their shoes on incase you get angry night terrors again.

Now, I don't know if you've seen my shoes but I'm guessing you know something about bugs and germs since they live and breath all up in your face 24/7.

Let's take a closer look...

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. They're loving it and getting a free ride all the way to a mattressy-bedbug-loogey heaven.

Totally aside from getting miscellaneous crap smeared across my bedsheets, you force me to consider the concept of public pajamal embarrassment. It's a whole new world of inappropriate when you may or may not end up sprinting onto the street in your PJs at 4am with all your neighbours for an indefinite period of time.

Also, you constantly remind me of how I don't have any reflexes.

It's not really a fair fight when you come knocking violently at 2am while I am still in zombie state and not registering that an earthquake is happening.

Other people are up running strategically into doorways, while I am still semi-dreaming about adopting African babies and saying "Why? Why?" in a wierd whispery voice.
The most I did 2 nights ago was slap the wall with floppy zombie hands because I couldn't remember where I was or find the light switch. And for some reason light was an important part of my attempt to beat an earthquake. I don't know why.


Anyway, what I'm saying is, while I have got off scott-free so far, some people haven't been so lucky, and we would really, really appreciate you going easy on us for a while. We are only humans. Pathetic little ant-sized humans.
Maybe go vent your frustration in the middle of the ocean or something.

Well, I'm about to go and have a shower and I would REALLY appreciate you not throwing me out onto my face, as that would be a second-worse-case-scenario for me right now.

(First-worst-case-scenario is a little embarrasing and may or may not involve dolls).

That's all for now.

Bye

p.s I do realise we have kind of screwed you up over the years. Bad.