Monday, January 17, 2011

Mullets and Shmullets.

Sometimes it's the things closest to our hearts that are hardest to talk openly about. Your friends probably know your general dressing style, the kind of movies you like, the music you're into.
But they might not know your view on religion, abortion, or a cause you are secretly passionate about.

What I'm saying is, it's time we talked about mullets.

Does that make sense? No? Never mind. It doesn't matter. The important thing is that I'm finally coming out with my deepest darkest passions and baring my heart for all to see.

Mullets. Or shmullets (she-mullets). Commonly known as 'Business on the top and Party at the back'.

Right now you are probably like "ew gross, mullets are disgusting, i can't believe they are legal, or are they?"

Mullets are legal. But they probably shouldn't be, on account of they could cause accidents. I don't mean like, 'hey my hair got caught in a combine harvester' kind of accident. I mean like, 'o I'm driving and I may veer off the road because that mullet was so awesome I wet my pants" kind of accident.

Do you follow me? That kind of cool shouldn't even be allowed. What's not to love about your average household mullet? I bet you are trying to think of something bad to say about them right now.

It's ok tho, you will never come up with anything. And if you were going to say "but - but - but - people with mullets look like - dirty - rapists" then come up with another argument because you're talking about moustaches, not mullets.

Well - you may ask me - if mullets are so freakin amazing, why don't you get one?

There are 2 answers to this question.

1) If I had a mullet myself, I wouldn't be able to fully appreciate it's shiny glorious beauty because the bulk of hair growing from my head would be trailing scratchily down my neck. I don't have eyes in the back of my head you know. Unfortunately.

2) People like all you mullet-haters out there have so discriminated against mullet-wearing folk that I would probably be destined for unemployment and every kind of prejudice that exists. I know this because today I mentioned to a friend that a shmullet may be in order the next time I go to the hairdresser, and she replied "Then we can't be friends".

Luckily, I am a good friend, so I relinquished my mullet-sporting rights to save our friendship.

(Which does beg the question, would anyone out there get a mullet, for me, if I said I wouldn't be friends with them unless they got one?)

Today I was in Featherston. It's not really a town as much as a road with a dairy on it. Everyone in Featherston wears polarfleece, trackies, bare feet, and mullets. Yep, it's pretty much a rule that you can't live in Featherston without a mullet. I've considered moving to Featherston for that reason, but why would I, when countries like Sweden are filled with attractive blonde sport-mullets?

Sweden, Featherston, Sweden, Featherston...... I think I'll move to Sweden. And live with these guys.