B is for Eggwig

My parents walked in looking sheepish. "We've got something to tell you. Can you guess?"

They didn't usually make this kind of announcement so probably it was going to be something amazing. I had been gloriously spoilt throughout my 6 years as the youngest child  and got over-excited. Whatever it was, it was going to be something that revolved around me! I loved surprises! We were going to Candyland followed by a teddy-and-sylvanian-shopping rampage, and Mum and Dad had invested in a giant-marshmallow factory and we were all going to move into a house made out of a soft powdery pink marshmallow with squishy walls and I was going to eat the walls whenever I wanted just like James and the Giant Peach but without any fuzzy stuff or vitamens!




I was also going to wear an Eskimo suit made out of Eskimo lollies in all my favourite flavours.

 
And then Dad said "I'll give you a clue. It's in mummy's tummy."

Oh it was a game! I wanted the prize! I saw my older brother begin mouthing a "B" word and I was determined to win the prize and steal it off him, so I beat him to it. No-one could stop me getting what I wanted. I began repeatedly screaming the only B word I knew at the time.


The answer was obvious.

 I would WIN! I was so absorbed in eardrum-bursting squallor that I didn't hear my brother saying "A baby."

"I TOLD YOU IT'S A BANANAAA" I smeared it in his face. I could see the candy mountain now...

"No it is a baby"

"No it's not. Mum doesn't eat babies. There are no babies in her tummy"

"It's a baby. Dad said"

"It's a BANANAAA."

"BABEEE"

"BANAAAAAAAANANANAN NANANA!"

This went on for some time until my parents got through to me that yes, it was a baby. I was very confused and probably started crying. What on earth had they done to get a baby stuck in there?



The face of someone who needs candy

 And I continued for pretty much the next 9 months, because I was robbed of my amazing mother who instead spent all her time puking her guts up, or in hospital. There was no-one to do my hair in the mornings and my hair-to-Amy ratio was absolutely massive so I couldn't do it myself. Dad sent me to school in my pajamas because he thought they were my clothes, and fed us cereal, with or without milk, for sustenance...

He thought the pajamas looked nice

And then, one day, he was there. Eggwig. A pink shrivelled monkey with runny yellow poop and an ugly brown growth on his belly button. Wearing nappies that covered pretty much his entire body.

Guess what!

But it only got better - in a couple of years he was keeping us entertained with toddler renditions of "Pavarotti" and the interesting name that he gave his toy chameleon...

His favourite game to play was called "Infomercials"...



Bubblicious-o-matic 3000

  ...and "Uncle Edward" where I was forced to walk my teddy bears into his room one by one and make them pretend they were going to see their Uncle, who was the "Cool Uncle"



Being highly extroverted meant that having so much attention (even from stuffed bears) was pretty much the height of his existance.


I could go on but the actual point of this post before I got sidetracked discussing the quirks of a little brother, was that he was totally worth it and I forgive him for having runny yellow poop and chasing me around the house with BB guns.

Especially since he is moving to Japan tomorrow and the house is freakishly quiet without him. I hope he will come back speaking Engrish.